Alan Ivester Spach

1. Music is very important. Washing and waxing a car can be tedious work and it’s very important that you select the correct music to wash ones car by. After washing my car for many years I have discovered on certain kinds of music will keep a man motivated. Once unmotivated you could find you self spraying the hose through open windows around you. This simply won’t do.

The following music is acceptable for men;
• Power Metal (anything with dragons, fire or ice will be great)
• Led Zepplin
• or in a pinch Any Rush song will do.

The following music is acceptable for the ladies, i guess
• Peaches
• 2 Live Crew
• or the Wonder Years theme song

Cat Stevens is NOT acceptable by any means.

2. If you are in a relationship, wash your ladies car too. Any man worth his weight will wash both cars. It’s what a man does. Any man who doesn’t is at risk of being found out. Clint Eastwood will be notified and he’ll drop by to collect your testicles.

3. Accessories should be kept at a minimum. This is no time to look cool. Leave watches, sunglasses and oxygen tanks inside. I have compiled a list of acceptable accessories.

•Boom box or mp3 player
•Cooler of beer
•Cartons of cigerettes
•Viking helmet and Thor’s hammer, Mjǫllnir

4. Unfortunately this work puts you outside where the stupid people are so it’s important to handle social interactions correctly.

Example situation 1: All your neighbors are hilarious and will walk by making the comment “Will your wash my car next Har har!” One must act quickly in this situation. Run to the neighbors car throwing Mjǫllnir through the windshield. Then take your hose and fill their car with water. Upon completion violently collect 20-50 dollars from the neighbor. If this is not done immediately, the neighbor will only continue this hilarious comment for years to come.

example situation 2: Several girls come by selling christmas trees for their high school track team. This one is easy, tell them is its the middle of October and that selling a christmas tree right now is dumb. Then throw Mjǫllnir through your neighbor windshield.

4. Finally my last piece of advise is don’t be shy with the wax. You should be using the Turtle Wax that comes in the tub. Any spray-on wax is for Communists and Nancy Grace. Apply wax to all avialble surfaces. Hood, doors windows, lights, tires, air filter, battery, fan belts and any cds you have in your car. Everything should be covered in a protective layer of wax to protect it for rain, snow, bugs or Loki.

Following these rules will insure a pleasurable and rewarding experience washing ones car.